In the past five years porn on the Internet has virtually exploded in volume and is now the leading source of pornographic materials worldwide. Some of my porn addict patients inform me that the Internet has three major advantages in feeding their addictive sexual illnesses. They call them the three "A's": It's easily Accessible, Affordable, and Anonymous.
I have had boys in their early teens getting into this wasteland with really disastrous consequences. They told me they actively search for porn on the Internet, keying in on such words as sex, nudity, pornography, obscenity, etc. Then, once they have found how to access it they go back again and again, just like drug addicts.
Dr. Albert Cooper, a West Coast university researcher, writing in the Journal of Sexual Addiction and Compulsivity, refers to this as a "cybersex addiction." He indicates that cybersex compulsives are just like drug addicts using the Internet as an important part of their sexual acting out. This is their "drug of choice," often with serious harm in their home lives and livelihood.
Dr. Mark Schwartz of the Masters & Johnson Institute in St. Louis says, "Sex on the Net is like heroin, it grabs them and takes over their lives. And it's very difficult to treat because the people affected don't want to give it up." Cybersex compulsives can become so involved with their online activities that they ignore their partners and children and risk their jobs.
Another researcher (Putnam) has noted that some cybersex addicts develop a conditioned response to the computer and become sexually aroused even before turning it on. "Simply sitting down to work at the computer can start a sexual response that may facilitate online sexual activities. As with other addictions, tolerance to cybersex stimulation can develop, prompting the addict to take more and more risks to recapture the initial high." (see New York Times, 16 May 2000, F7)
Dr. Jennifer Schneider, a Tucson, Arizona, physician, conducted a survey of 94 family members affected by cybersex addictions and found that problems could arise even among those in loving marriages with ample sexual opportunities. "Sex on the Net is just so seductive and it's so easy to stumble upon it, people who are vulnerable can get hooked before they know it."
She further commented that the damage can be as devastating as that caused by compulsive gambling or addiction to alcohol or drugs. In her survey of these 94 people in committed relationships she found they experienced serious adverse consequences, including broken relationships from those partners with cybersex addictions. Partners commonly reported feeling betrayed, devalued, deceived, ignored, and abandoned and unable to compete with a fantasy. Among those studied was a 34 year-old woman married 14 years to a minister who she discovered was compulsively seeking sexual satisfaction by visiting pornographic sites on the Internet. She commented: "How can I compete with hundreds of anonymous others who are now in our bed, in his head. Our bed is crowded with countless faceless strangers, where once we were intimate." (New York Times, 16 May 2000, F7).
6. I tell both husband and wife about the "wave" which periodically hits the patient and overwhelms him with temptation. This is something most men cannot resist. One of the goals of therapy is to prepare the man to face and defeat the wave. These waves vary in frequency from several times a day to once a year or even less. Between the waves the man feels at peace and has the mistaken notion that he has his power and can resist anything. But this is an illusion and is only temporary until the next wave hits him.
I explain to the couple that as a therapist I'm like a guide to Mount Everest. I can show them how to get there but they have to walk every step of the way. They have to do all the work. I assure them they can heal. But like alcoholics when sober, sexual addicts must be careful not to expose themselves in the future to high-risk situations. I also explain that they are not mentally ill in the classical sense but that they have an addiction which powerfully controls their lives, somewhat like being on crack cocaine. And the journey to freedom will not be easy. It will require an enormous commitment on their part to become whole again.
7. I assign both husband and wife to read Patrick Carnes' book, Out of the Shadows, and Stephen Kramer's book, Worth of a Soul.
8. I have the husband begin attending S.A. (Sexaholics Anonymous) which is a 12-step group, spiritually based...There are chapters in nearly every city in America. They are free. To find where and when one meets, call Alcoholics Anonymous (in all the phone books). They will know. The client-addict may start with a newcomers group first, and then graduate to the step-study group after a few months. Wives that have been badly traumatized by their husband's behavior may wish to attend S-Anon (for spouses of offenders) or even later join with their husbands at their S.A. meetings if allowed. The client-addict needs to attend 90% of his weekly meetings for this to work and be truly healing. If the individual is relapsing at high rates, they may need to attend up to three or four nights a week in order to achieve sobriety and break the stranglehold of their addiction.
9. At these S.A. meetings, they need in time to locate a "sponsor," who is someone who has been sober (no relapses) for a lengthy period of time who they can call (phone) in an emergency, which is an occasion when the wave hits and they are strongly tempted to act out. Their sponsor can help them stay sober; he's like a life guard.
[Editor's note: Some churches and other overtly religious organizations also provide special support groups for sexual addicts. Unlike S.A. groups, these organizations typically approach the problem from a particular religious perspective.]
10. Because the compulsion to act out is so overpowering, I give them a mental set to just stay sober one day at a time. They must think only of making it today. If they focus on a longer time period they may be setting themselves up for failure.
11. Through close interviewing, the addicts must identify triggers which activate the wave (e.g. looking at porn, seeing girls in skimpy clothes, after a fight with their spouse or the spouse being out of town, driving by an adult bookstore, walking into any video store, viewing hard-R or X films, looking at ladies bra and panty ads) and then plan strategies to avoid these or deal with them. Example: if going on a business trip and staying in a hotel with access to porn movies, request the front desk, when checking in, to block out those channels. Call their wives at 9:00 P.M. each evening when away.
12. "Thought-stopping." When the addict is stimulated or aroused by sexual fantasy which can lead to masturbation and the acting out cycle, I tell them that they have only three seconds to block or stop the thought or imagery. At the top of their voice they should yell STOP (or scream silently if others are nearby) and visualize a policeman with handcuffs approaching, holding a big sign with the words STOP on it. This will kick the offending imagery off the mind screen briefly. But then they have to bring to mind an event in their life that has very powerful emotional significance (either positive or negative) which they can ruminate about. In other words, they fight fire with fire, a strong sexual fantasy with another totally different kind of memory, such as the time they helped their team win the game, a surprise birthday party, or even the death of a very close friend. But it must be something powerful emotionally.
13. "Fire drills." I present to them imaginary situations which they might have to face in real life which would expose them to temptation. How would they handle it? I process their responses in great detail so if something like this should happen in real life they would be mentally prepared to deal with it. Example: a friend at work wants to show them his porn. How would they handle it? The wife, of course, is listening to all of this and participating as she chooses.
14. No more masturbation. Stop masturbating. This risks further conditioning into deviancy. The goal of no masturbation may be difficult and not even possible immediately. I have them keep a calendar record of those days when they masturbate and urge them to strive for reducing its frequency but especially, if they do slip, to refrain from fantasizing about deviant sexual imagery. In contrast, I have them imagine loving their spouse. I check their calendar record at each session to determine whether the frequency of masturbation has been reduced, with the ultimate goal of being free of this habit.
15. Marriage counseling. I tell them to do things that will help improve their marital relationship. I give them assignments to have fun together and improve intimacy, take marriage seminars, participate in sports together, be friends, etc.
17. When relapses occur, I don't "beat them up." I point out that relapses are just part of a growth experience and explain what can be learned from the relapse that will protect them in the future. I try to give them hope. I point out the progress already made and the good things done.
18. I have them keep a daily journal in which they record fantasies and behaviors. I then review and process these during therapy.
20. Other techniques I use include apology sessions; eliminating sex fantasies; ; family of origin work; developing a sobriety contract; social skills work.
21. And lastly, if an inappropriate image or tempting thought appears on the client's mind, I have him close his eyes and say, "Thank you God. I appreciate your reminding me of my weakness. This will help me get well!!!"
